nine million bicycles

to say that a lot of things have changed in the last 29 days would be an understatement. i have been sleep deprived and in transit and pulled in many directions for the past week or two. met a bunch of new friends, got loaded with tons of work and been busy with activities to keep my days, nights, weekdays, and weekends full.

i feel like a tightrope walker making my first step, don’t really know how this works but heck, what’s the harm in trying, right? there may be no safety net to catch my fall and i may find myself more broken than when i started, but i don’t really care anymore. i want to stop thinking and just start feeling this time..

new soul
by yael naim

i’m a new soul
i came to this strange world
hoping i could learn a bit about
how to give and take.

but since i came here
felt the joy and the fear
finding myself making
every possible mistake

i’m a young soul
in this very strange world
hoping i could learn a bit about
what is true and fake.

but why all this hate?
try to communicate.
finding trust and love is not
always easy to make.

this is a happy end
cause’ you don’t understand
everything you have done
why’s everything so wrong

this is a happy end
come and give me your hand
i’ll take your far away.

city of angels

as i wrap up my 5 days of sun in the city of angels, i feel a sense of loss. the crows sing in the background and suddenly i miss everything and nothing all at once. top priority on my list right now is to rebook my flight back home so i could leave bc earlier.

for the past 12 months, i’ve been on 27 plane rides, 2 boat rides, and countless road trips. it doesnt really look like i’m running away from safety eh? for next year, i plan to stay grounded, just spin in place and grow roots. it may be frightening at first but i know it’s time to hang my wings out to dry and pursue the things i’ve avoided for so long – settling down.

a long december and there’s reason to believe
maybe this year will be better than the last
i can’t remember the last thing you said as you were leavin’
now the days go by so fast

and it’s one more day up in the canyons
and it’s one more night in hollywood
if you think that i could be forgiven… i wish you would

the smell of hospitals in winter
and the feeling that it’s all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
all at once you look across a crowded room
to see the way that light attaches to a girl

and it’s one more day up in the canyons
and it’s one more night in hollywood

if you think you might come to california… i think you should

drove up to the hillside manor sometime after two a.m.
and talked a little while about the year
i guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her

and it’s been a long december and there’s no reason to believe
maybe this year will be better that the last
i can’t remember all the times I tried to tell myself
to hold on to these moments as they pass

and it’s one more day up in the canyon
and it’s one more night in hollywood
it’s been so long since i’ve seen the ocean… i guess i should

– counting crows, “a long december”

into the ocean

blue october’s single has infected my system. it’s on eternal repeat on my ipod. that’s usually what happens when i find a song i really like, i play it over and over again until i don’t want to hear it anymore. i use up its replay value and shelf it away for good.

this looks like how i treat mostly everything else i have, at the beginning i get obsessive and tinker with each nut and bolt until i’ve discovered all flaws and marveled at the ingenuity of its details; then after a while, i lose interest, i put it back in its box, give it away or sell it off. it’s a vicious cycle, i can’t grow roots, get attached, spin in place. i blame the rest of my generation for my restless soul. but mostly i think it’s a defense mechanism, i’d rather leave than be left behind. it’s better to be the first to stand up and go than wait till the dust settles and find yourself alone.

this song is really getting to me, i feel like drowning.

now floating up and down
i spin, colliding into sound
like whales beneath me diving down
i’m sinking to the bottom of my
everything that freaks me out
the lighthouse beam has just run out
i’m cold as cold as cold can be
be

i want to swim away but don’t know how
sometimes it feels just like i’m falling in the ocean
let the waves up take me down
let the hurricane set in motion… yeah
let the rain of what i feel right now…come down
let the rain come down

underclass hero

sum 41 is reminiscent of green day and simple plan and all those angsty bands that sound like teenagers rebelling against their parents. once in a while though, you’ll find a song you can totally relate to even if the last time you were a teen was 8 years ago or you can’t remember when you ever felt angsty at all. it would be no surprise if you find their songs serenading teen series like smallville, the oc, one tree hill or gossip girl – that’s where i first heard my new favorite song – “with me”. yep i have a lot of favorite songs, it’s an entire playlist on it’s own on my ipod.

last night i loaded the whole album and listened to it on endless repeat while i was reinstalling my c1x (can’t get used to the 1028×480 resolution). i found a hidden track that started after two minutes of silence – it was slow, almost a pause or a whisper compared to all the rage of the other tracks, it gives you time to catch your breath and stop being angry for a while.

look at me
who am i supposed to be and what do i believe
can you tell me, since you’ve made up your mind
and knows what you believe
and i just don’t know
i just don’t know
who i’m supposed to be

look at me
am i the image of your hopes and tragedies
just look at me
will i ever be more than just a memory?
because you just don’t know
but you just don’t know
all i am is me

“- look at me (underclass hero) –

maybe tomorrow

There’s a voice that keeps on calling me
Down the road is where I’ll always be

Littlest Hobo was my favorite Saturday morning tv program when i was a kid. It’s a show about an alsatian dog that travels cross country and helps each people he meets along the way. He never lets those people make him their pet, so after each episode you see him running off again to some other place.

Every stop I make, I’ll make a new friend
Can’t stay for long, just turn around and I’m gone again.

This morning I woke up with an urgency to pack my stuff into boxes. I received news that my roommate (who is currently on vacation) may be moving out soon, the lease for our flat is expiring in two months (the owner is selling the unit), the dust under the table is accumulating, the unread books and unwatched dvds are collecting cobwebs – these thoughts cluttered my head until I felt that I had to do something or else I’d go crazy. I don’t know why I had to do it today though, after all I was just lazying around all weekend and I still got eight weeks right? I guess that just proves how obsessive compulsive I can be sometimes.

Maybe tomorrow, I’ll want to settle down,
Until tomorrow, I’ll just keep moving on.

Every time I’m leaving for some place and packing my bags, I can’t help but remember this hobo theme song. I’ve lived in many different houses that were never really home to me, only temporary refuge and parking space for my clothes, but still I haven’t mastered the art of throwing away things that are of no use to me anymore. How did I ever accumulate all these tiny irrelevant trinkets? I moved back to this city two years ago with a trolley bag and a knapsack, now I need more than 5 boxes for all my collected junk.

Down this road, that never seems to end,
Where new adventure, lies just around the bend.

Perhaps there was a time when they used to mean something, but now they’re nothing but nuances to my otherwise hapless existence. I should really stop buying more trash from the store. I’ll just have to remind myself that I’m a wanderer, I should travel light, I can’t have all those baggage weigh me down, or else I’ll just be stuck in one place for so long and grow roots. And I can’t do that.. I tried once, but I just can’t.

So if you want to join me for a while
Just grab your hat, come travel light – that’s hobo style.

Last night I had dinner with an old friend. He’s the kind who comes and goes and never really stays. We’ve been neighbors for 24 months, but we only saw each other yesterday, incidentally, his lease is expiring in a week and he must move out soon too. He doesn’t need to find a new place though since he will be going out of the country for a while, he’ll just leave his personal belongings at his folks’. Now that’s what I call convenience, I wish my parents had a house where I can leave my stuff, but sadly, they’re hobos too, the fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree.

Maybe tomorrow, I’ll want to settle down,
Until tomorrow, the whole world is my home.
– Maybe Tomorrow (Terry Rush) –

sukiyaki

by 4PM

it’s all because of you, I’m feeling sad and blue
you went away, now my life is just a rainy day
and I love you so, how much you’ll never know
you’ve gone away and left me lonely

untouchable memories, seem to keep haunting me
another love so true
that once turned all my gray skies blue
but you disappeared
now my eyes are filled with tears
and I’m wishing you were here with me

soft with love are my thoughts of you
now that you’re gone
i just don’t know what to do

if only you were here
you’d wash away my tears
the sun would shine once again
you’d be mine all mine
but in reality, you and I will never be
’cause you took your love away from me

northern sky

last night i listened to some songs on my new mobile jukebox, well actually i was listening to just one melody by nick drake that was on eternal repeat. it’s from the soundtrack of serendipity. somehow, whenever i hear this song, it brings me back to that one midnight two years ago: with too much vodka sitting on my head, riding at the back of a car, and chasing the sunrise on the sandy beaches of mactan, i told myself “i would like to feel this way again”, foolish and giddy, happy and hopeful. these are such elusive feelings, it’s so much easier to just be empty.

“I never felt magic crazy as this
I never saw moons knew the meaning of the sea
I never held emotion in the palm of my hand
Or felt sweet breezes in the top of a tree
But now you’re here
Brighten my northern sky.

It’s been a long time that I’m waiting
Been a long that I’m blown
It’s been a long time that I’ve wandered
Through the people I have known
Oh, if you would and you could
Straighten my new mind’s eye.”

– northern sky, nick drake

been a while

“Sunday morning rain is falling
Steal some covers share some skin
Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable”

it was a hectic weekend. met up with emman and the gang last friday at max brenner after watching skeleton key. then proceeded to uplb the next day to visit babs, and back again that evening to makati to attend this house party at monette’s pad. i was too tired to lift a finger so i decided not to go. ria’s drunken antics has become a legend by now. they should ban texting/calling while drinking. i almost fell off my chair laughing when zet shared the text message she received from ri that night hehe.

i’m looking for a new place, the evil neighbor whom i shall aptly call as cruella devil had some post-its again on my door. she is worst than my high school principal, noticing everything from my guests’ shoes to my hair to the food i cook. and when i say notice i mean she says mean things about it. she even accuses me of dumping garbage on the front door. gosh! it must be pretty tough growing old alone. here’s her profile: mid 40’s to early 50’s, lives alone in a 56 sq. m. one bedroom pad beside ours, separated from her husband, lost custody over her 2 children, who visits her once a month, spends all of the day shouting to someone on her cellphone or bullying the door man, receptionist, janitor and all people at the condo. i wish she would just jump out of the window and end her misery. or else i just might give her a little push. arrrggghhhhhhhh!!!!!! i bought two newspapers looking for other options and i called my broker. anything but this hell please, i can’t accomodate any more challenges to my already nerve wracking life.

“But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
Sunday morning rain is falling and I’m calling out to you
Singing someday it’ll bring me back to you
Find a way to bring myself home to you”

-track: sunday morning, maroon 5-

in placid waters

on calm days i love this song,

Here Is Your Paradise
by Chris de Burgh

I never knew love could be a silence in the heart,
A moment when the time is still,
And all I’ve been looking for is right here in my arms,
Just waiting for the chance to begin;

I never knew love could be the sunlight in your eyes,
On a day that you may not have seen,
And all I’ve been searching for, well words could never say,
When a touch is more than anything;

Maybe you will never know how much I love you,
But of this, be sure;
Here is your paradise, here is your book of life,
Where you and I will be forevermore;
Here is your paradise, here is your book of life,
Where you and I will be forevermore;

And in the dark night, you’ll follow the bright light
And go where the love must go,
And you will wake in the morning to a brand new day,
Take all your worries away;

Maybe you will never know how much I love you,
But of this, be sure,
Here is your paradise, here is your book of life,
Where you and I will be forevermore;
Here is your paradise, here is your book of life,
Where you and I will be forevermore

back to my nook

here’s a fairly detailed account of my recent baguio escapade =)

the journeythe trip to baguio itself is already an adventure, getting there, and getting out of there was the real challenge. my friend ree and i were hoping to catch the 2am bus trip but arriving there at exactly 2am didnt really help =p we really couldnt blame ourselves because i must admit, it was hard getting a taxi at 1am while standing at the train railways =) the next available trip would be at 6;30am, camping out at the bus terminal waiting till sunrise didnt sound like a good idea so we just opted to risk and try the unknown by going there via dagupan,. the next bus to dagupan leaves at 3am, so we happily seated ourselves on the bus and crossed our fingers. there was still hope that we’ll arrive at our destination in one piece =)

we reached dagupan at around 9am, and the bangus festival was on going, part of me wanted to stay there and see the festival, but the bigger part of me just wanted to board the next bus and proceed to the pine tree haven. i was so tired, my head ached, and i was on the verge of hurling, apparently i’m not used to long bus rides anymore, and we havent even reached the place.

finally at half past 11, we got out of the baguio victory terminal with our 10pm return trip tickets for sunday.

the shop-a-holicsmy cousin arrived to pick us up at the terminal and we proceeded to her place to deposit our things and take a quick shower. the ice cold water brought me back to reality, and i was wide awake again in no time despite the fact that i havent slept in 30 hours straight. we had lunch at dencio’s which was housed in the newly constructed SM, the place was great, it sat on top of a hill overlooking the mountains and the city. we had a big lunch which probably was a sign that there was a long and tiring day ahead, and indeed the day went by as prophesized. we shopped for souvenirs, clothes and what have you. incidentally there was a 3 day midnight sale at SM, so we also took part in that, at around 12am, there was a band at the bazaar area and they were playing john mayer songs. i was cold and foot sore before we retired back to our room. but even before that, we were already contemplating on how we’d get back to the city earlier than 10pm the next day. if our computations were correct, we’d be arriving at around 4am monday, and that would leave us very little time for preparation in going to work. we had two options:

1. sell our return tickets and go home via dagupan again
2. try our luck being chance passengers for the 4pm trip

we chose the option 2 and i fell asleep listening to the beach boys sing my favorite sad song =)

sunrise and picnici woke up at 6am the next day and watched the sun go up while i stood on the terrace, so many things were going through my head, things from the past that kept flashing back, but i blocked them all out, i looked at the 2 sleeping figures on the bed and i wished i was still asleep and not thinking too much. so sleep again i did, or rather tried, i snuggled against the big hotdog pillow and pulled the sheets over my head, i wanted to hide and wait for the rest of the world to wake up. we finally went out of the house at around past 10, we shopped for some more souvenirs and procured our lunch.

getting lunch was in itself an ordeal, we walked for around 30 minutes just to buy food from different shops, finally we boarded a taxi to camp john hay. we had a picnic there near the small statue of liberty and after that we visited the graveyard of bad habits. we walked and walked and finally took another cab to take us back to the dry goods market so we can buy some bottled food stuff that we could bring home to our friends or family, my cousin bought two potted rose plants that her aunt requested, it was really heavy and i kidded her that maybe her aunt was an evil step mom in disguise =p

the long way homewe were standing in line at the terminal by 3:30pm and there were already around 40 people in front of us, the chance that we would be boarding an early bus looked slim considering that they were calling only 2 or 3 chance passengers per bus per hour. then the bonus trip came, and it was like winning a lottery jackpot, 50 people were accomodated, ree was so happy, my cousin was lost in her virtual world of texting =p, and i was just relieved that we would finally be able to sit down, my feet were still literally swelling, some insect probably bit me.

the ride home was rather uneventful, the driver played old love songs while most people slept. kat and i talked about childhood and dreams and fears. it brought back memories of summers spent in bulacan, moving from one city to the other, changing schools every so often and not making friends, college teachers and favorite subjects, moving away and living alone, things that go by unnoticed or things that want to fade into oblivion and things that dont want to be remembered, we talked about everything and nothing at all.

at the bus stopover, we went down to buy some snacks and to stretch our aching legs. kat and ree slept for the remainder of the trip while i drifted in and out of reality, listening to the song selection of the local radio station.

“You light up another cigarette
and I pour the wine
It’s four o’clock in the morning
and it’s starting to get light
now I’m right where I want to be
losing track of time
but I wish that it was still last night”
– “Promise Me” (Beverly Craven) –

im trying to run away from my past by moving away but i seem to be going in circles, maybe i was right, there is no ultimate point of arrival, the journey is a circle, and if we find ourselves standing where we started, then that doesnt mean that we have gone nowhere, because we may have lost parts of ourselves by getting where we are, but we’ve also gained pieces that will make our puzzle complete.