gave up snowboarding today because i needed to finish this stupid document. i’ve been staring blankly at the screen for 7 hours now and nothing is coming to my head, no light bulb, no epiphany, no revelation, no clarity, no wisdom. the fog has turned to blue skies then back to fog again, and i’ve ran up and down 14 stories to no avail. i need to find the will and inspiration to do this, maybe i’m driven by deadlines, maybe this is not my passion, maybe i was not meant to do this, maybe i don’t belong here, maybe i’m just a good for nothing slacker pretending to be a software engineer, when in fact i would do the whole i.t. community a favor if i retire and grow root crops in some mountain province, who knows? maybe i just don’t care, i mean really, what’s the worst that can happen if i don’t do this? just get fired, it’s not like it’s a matter of life and death, it’s just a job. i’ve been working for the past 10 years, i need a break, just bum around and wait for manna to fall from the sky or something.

someone i know is going to tokyo next week to present results on cancer research, i was invited to go and do some math work for the paper but that’s not really very possible right now with my current visa status. would be cool working with a bunch of doctors and mathematicians, analyzing data on the effects of intermittent androgen suprression after radiation theraphy for advanced cancer. but as it is, i am here, grounded, stuck, putting logic in excel sheets and inventing class diagrams. how did i get here?

need to focus now and finish this, don’t want to waste another weekend chained to this laptop screen.

Speak of the Devil
Sum 41

Trying to find a way
Getting better every day
And I got you now, I’m not alone
All I need in this life is one,
One thing to believe in

I’ve seen many a face
From young, and too old
I’ve stolen their faith, and I have broken their souls
Was here before Christ, had forgave you your sins
And paid your price, and sealed your fate within
Days have come to an end
Today’s the day that we meet again
The self inflicted inebriation, guilt never lies

I’ve been waiting for the chance to reunite this sick romance
Poison never hurt so good
So nice of you to speak of me
Your closest friend and enemy
An only savior of masochists
Well it’s the dead end slave
From the alter to the grave
It’s the last days of our life
The faith of men

Time, it’s been so long
And now there’s nothing to say
I’m trying so hard to find the words to say
I’m tired of being, now I’m something I’m not
I can’t believe, and I never thought
Days would come to an end
Well maybe someday we’ll meet again
If ever that day never comes
It would be too soon

I’ve been waiting for the chance to nullify this sick romance
Pull the cord to detonate
So sick of you don’t speak of me
No represent of misery
An only savior of masochists
Well it’s the dead end slave
From the alter to the grave
It’s the last days of our life
Well it’s the dead end slave
From the alter to the gray
It’s the last days of our life
The faith of men

Trying find a way,
Getting better every day
And I got you now, I’m not alone
All I need in this life is one
One thing to believe in

the magnitude of people’s selfishness often disappoint me. i’m glad there is God, my family, friends, and music that i could turn to, to appease my soul. otherwise i really will go crazy trying to deal with all these things..

the real world is messed up, but tomorrow is another day, and so i carry on.

Maybe You’re Right
Barenaked Ladies

It was often talked about
It was often raised
But nothing was ever done about it
To hear the way they talked about it
Noone could be saved
But nothing was ever done about it

Shall I take back everything I’ve ever said
And live my whole life in silence instead?

It was oversimplified
It was underthought
And nothing was ever done to stop it
Everything was fortified by
All the lies we bought
And nothing was ever done to stop it

Shall I take back everything I’ve ever said
And live my whole life in silence instead?

Shall I take back everything I’ve ever said
(Shall I take back all my attacks? All of my accusations?)
And live my whole life in silence instead?
(All my mistrust – we never discussed anyone’s reservations)

There was a time
When a crime was a crime
Now I think I’m losing my mind
Or taking it all too hard
Taking it all too hard
Taking it all too hard

Shall I take back all my attacks? All of my accusations?
All my mistrust – we never discussed anyone’s reservations

Shall I take back everything I’ve ever said
(Shall I take back all my attacks? All of my accusations?)
And live my whole life in silence instead?
(All my mistrust – we never discussed anyone’s reservations)

Maybe you’re right
Maybe you’re right
Maybe you’re right
But I don’t think so

thanks to unending falling snow, i’m trapped in my bunk for the weekend and thanks to tv reruns, i now know the name of the random tv show i was watching last time – “the city” – must admit, the series is not really that interesting but the soundtrack is striking, as usual i’m more captivated by music rather than plot, found that other song that was playing in one of the scene.

just finished shoveling slush from the front and back porch steps so i could actually go out in the morning, but it started snowing again so i guess i should just let it be and snowboard my way to the office tomorrow ^_^

here’s the view from my bedroom window – the building with the triangle on top is where i work, so near and yet so far when you look at the mountain of snow that i have to walk on =)

Prelude To A Kiss
by Alicia Keys

Sometimes I feel
like I don’t belong anywhere.
And it’s gonna take
so long for me to get to somewhere

Sometimes I feel so heavy hearted
but I can’t explain cuz I’m so guarded.
But that’s a lonely road to travel,
and a heavy load to bear.

And it’s a long, long way to heaven
but I gotta get there
Can you send an angel?
Can you send me an angel to guide me.

never really got a chance to watch dying young back in 1991, i was probably not into sitting still for two or so hours at that age (not that i am any different now). i get easily bored when i have to focus on doing just one thing at a particular moment. anyway, was listening to kenny g.’s holiday album last week when i came across the soundtrack for this movie, now i’m interested to check it out and see for myself what the hype is all about. talk about delayed reaction. =)

nablopomo’s theme for this month is change, very interesting, what a way to start the new year – write about change everyday; i just might join except i’m done with writing. there is nothing more to write about, i’ve used up all my words, i’ve reached the dead end road. i’m tired. i don’t know why. i just feel so drained of energy these days. something is keeping my head heavy, who cares, it doesn’t matter, maybe i’ll just stick with pictures, and see if they’re really worth a thousand words..

caught this song while flipping through channels on tv last night:

“Borrowed Time”
A Fine Frenzy

But you say you’re getting tired
You’re tired and so am I
When you follow from behind

The Middle
by Jimmy Eat World

Hey, don’t write yourself off yet
It’s only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don’t you worry what they tell themselves when you’re away.

It just takes some time, little girl
you’re in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine,
everything will be alright.

Hey, you know they’re all the same.
You know you’re doing better on your own, so don’t buy in.
Live right now. Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn’t matter if it’s good enough for someone else.

It just takes some time, little girl
you’re in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine,
everything will be alright.

Hey, don’t write yourself off yet.
It’s only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just do your best, do everything you can.
And don’t you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say.

learned a lot of life lessons this year. this could be one of the most interesting year in my career as a human being. it’s bad to care a lot and be taken for granted, it’s terrible to work too much and feel so little. but it’s worst to see the wheel grinding slowly towards you and still be stuck in the middle of everything, unable to step away and be saved.

i pray every day for God to give me strength and hope and patience to not be disappointed by the realities of life. yet i still lack this wisdom to know the difference between things i should have the serenity to accept and those i should have the courage to change. still a work in progress, but i am just so tired and disillusioned by everything else around me.

the holidays are around the corner, but it doesn’t really feel like it when i look at my outlook calendar. i want to get out of this place and be somewhere sunny with good people who say what they mean and mean what they say. once you see through the matrix of lies and manipulation, it’s hard to stay the same carefree person i was before i got tangled up in this mess.

these days i just close my eyes and wish myself away on a plane landing at my city, and being surrounded by people who truly care, or better yet i just want to never open my eyes again to this world of deceit and corruption, i pray every night that my journey in this life ends soon, i have seen enough.

Smile
by Chris Rice

How far are you, how close am I
I know your words are true and I don’t feel them inside
Still I believe you’ll never leave
So where are you now

You’re all I have, You’re all I know
Your breath is breathing in my soul
Still I am gasping, aching, asking
Where are you now

Cause I just wanna be with You
I just want this waiting to be over
I just want to be with You
And it helps to know the Day is getting closer

Every minute takes an hour
Every inch feels like a mile
Til I won’t have to imagine
And I finally get to see You smile

My journey’s here, but my heart is There
So I dream and wait, and keep the faith, while You prepare
Our destiny, til You come back for me
Oh, please make it soon!

Cause I just wanna be with You
I just want this waiting to be over
I just want to be with You
And it helps to know the Day is getting closer

Every minute takes an hour
Every inch feels like a mile
Til I won’t have to imagine
And I finally get to see You smile

I just wanna be with You
I just want this waiting to be over
I just want to be with You
And it helps to know the Day is getting closer

I just wanna be with You
I just want this waiting to be over
I just want to be with You
And it helps to know the Day is getting closer

Every minute takes an hour
Every inch feel like a mile
Til I won’t have to imagine
And I finally get to see You

Every minute takes an hour
Every inch feel like a mile
Til I won’t have to imagine
And I finally get to see You smile

today turned out to be a beautiful sunny day. with fluffy white clouds floating against a backdrop of blue skies. i spent the night at my cube trying to rescue myself out of this state of mental fatigue, where everything just stops and i cant move forward. couldn’t really go home to face my half filled box alone, so i might as well string words into technical documents, that could be an effective desensitizing tool, except i was like a caterpillar moving two steps back for every step forward. nothing made sense, could be the sugar making me restless and destroying my focus, could be anything or nothing, who knows.

got home at around 8am and slept for three hours, now i’m just sitting, staring at the window, reading and listening to songs, waiting for my heart to calm down, i think i’m gonna have a coronary haha. it’s the sunny days i fear the most, they kill words, because beauty is its own excuse for being. i should go out soon and be with people who keeps me grounded.

deep breathing, recite the alphabet backwards. i just need to be hugged until the world stops spinning. this song helps somehow.

Love is the Answer
by: Raymond Hannisian

Love is the Answer… Love!

so apparently cookies are very complicated things, i’ve learned a lot about them in the past 3 days. here’s some invaluable knowledge that i am bound by duty to share: don’t eat them raw, don’t eat them burnt, never microwave them using the oven baking instructions as guide, the best way to bake them is to ask someone to do it for you, and finally, they’re addictive and allergenic.

now that i’m sugar high, finger swollen, running across the hallways in my windwall jacket, racking my brain for words to put on my use cases, as none of this really long mispunctuated sentence is making sense;

i can’t seem to get this song out of my system at four in the morning:

“Upside Down”
by Jack Johnson

Who’s to say
What’s impossible
Well they forgot
This world keeps spinning
And with each new day
I can feel a change in everything
And as the surface breaks reflections fade
But in some ways they remain the same
And as my mind begins to spread its wings
There’s no stopping curiosity

I want to turn the whole thing upside down
I’ll find the things they say just can’t be found
I’ll share this love I find with everyone
We’ll sing and dance to Mother Nature’s songs
I don’t want this feeling to go away

Who’s to say
I can’t do everything
Well I can try
And as I roll along I begin to find
Things aren’t always just what they seem

I want to turn the whole thing upside down
I’ll find the things they say just can’t be found
I’ll share this love I find with everyone
We’ll sing and dance to Mother Nature’s songs
This world keeps spinning and there’s no time to waste
Well it all keeps spinning spinning round and round and

Upside down
Who’s to say what’s impossible and can’t be found
I don’t want this feeling to go away

Please don’t go away
Please don’t go away
Please don’t go away
Is this how it’s supposed to be
Is this how it’s supposed to be

i’m hug deficient. i should join this campaign.

All The Same
by Sick Puppies

Go ahead say it
You’re leaving
You’ll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It’s all the same
And I’ll take you for who you are now
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It’s all the same

must admire apple for choosing catchy tunes for their commercials, can’t get the song for the nanochromatic ad out of my mind. it’s competing with the other voices in my head haha. well actually, there a lot of good ad songs out there, here’s my “adtunes” playlist on my nano:

1. new soul by yael naim (macbook air)
2. 1234 by feist (ipod nano 3rd gen)
3. bruises by chairlift (ipod nano 4th gen)
4. the way i am by ingrid michaelson (old navy / chevrolet)
5. wish you well by justin hines (walmart)
6. coffee shop by landon pigg (diamond)

unfortunately, i don’t watch as much tv anymore so the list never grew 🙂 maybe i’ll find time with heroes, gossip girl and grey’s anatomy opening this season.

Bruises
by Chairlift

You-
For you-
So black and blue-
For you….