sometimes you just have to know how their doing: the people you’ve left behind, and the people who’ve left you. if it still feels like needle pricks to know that they’re a-ok and moving on and doing great, then stop lying to yourself, you’re not over them yet. and maybe you never will. after all we never really stop loving people. we just forget. conveniently.
it’s an overkill to think of these things now, two or three years later, after all, the moment has passed you by and you are left dancing alone on a ferry boat to nowhere. the bridge has been burned to ashes and you can’t put them back together no matter how hard you wish on a million falling stars. you just have to let it be, let things be, and wait for that wonderful calm to visit you again.
find the silence that chooses what to remember, and what to cast away. then keep it. and never ever let it go.
“never is such an awfully lonely word”
Category Archives: quotable
serenity prayer
God grant me the Serenity
to accept the things I cannot change..
Courage to change the things I can..
and Wisdom to know the difference..
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it.
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His will.
That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
Amen.
history: http://open-mind.org/Serenity.htm
seeing red
this is all ria’s fault =p she’s the one who asked me to open the pandora’s box looking for emails to prove that she wasn’t hallucinating the past hehe. anyway, i found something entirely different.
i must admit i was such an anger ball. and maybe i still am. perhaps that’s why people at my first job alienated me. i was a walking ticking time bomb, full of angst and hate and bitterness. i was literally seeing red and fuming mad, all day, everyday, for 2 years. that was my way of coping up with loss – wrath.
on the other hand, i found some nice piece of advice to a friend from way back:
—–Original Message—–
Sent: Wednesday, November 28, 2001 3:10 PM
These are the things we do for love: suffer in silence and wait in vain; give our hearts away..
And what about the happiness? of what was and what has been? or what could never be?keep it. light it up when you’re alone. play it back like a phonograph. truly it has gone, and it hurts to remember, but then, hurting is not worst thing in life.. forgetting is.
And what of pain, of sorrow, of bitterness? throw it away like pebbles on the seashore. so you can walk upon it with stronger feet and lighter heart. tomorrow the soles of your shoes will have better wear, and it will hurt to go on walking.. but the journey never stops, and the map of life unfolds endlessly. we shouldn’t give up so easily.
And mistakes? there are no mistakes. life has no mistakes. i think it was James Redfield who said that there are no accidents in life. all things are meant to be.. experiences happen because there are lessons to be learned from them. failing to analyze an experience means losing the opportunity to learn from it.. we meet people because they have a message for us. ignoring them means losing the chance to hear that message.
Now what then? what of the future? what of tomorrow? i dont know. and i doubt if anybody else knows too. but you know what? that is where life’s beauty is, in having to stand up each time you fall, in having to learn from mistakes, in having to meet the people whom we can totally share ourselves with.. and yes in having to let go..
there is beauty in waking up to a morning that is filled with promises. it is wonderful to know what the next page of the story unfolds.
well, in short, it’s not the end of the world. there’s life out there, in mars or in pluto maybe =) and im sure everything will turn out right in the end.
and losing? dont worry about losing anything or anyone.
nothing is ever lost..
nothing that cant be found.
—–End of Message—–
Dear God, I want to be healed. Please take away all this anger.
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
“How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray’r accepted, and each wish resign’d;”
from “Eloisa to Abelard” by Alexander Pope
old letters
i sent an email to my college professor yesterday, telling her how ive been since i left cebu. she was here two days ago for a quick visit and she had lunch with her brother arjay, my current boardmate. too bad i wasnt able to see her then.
anyway, her reply to my email sort of triggered some distant memories in my brain, its like uncovering some boxes from under my bed. i am almost remembering college all over again.. i think she’s right, im just making myself too pressured with things that shouldnt really be my responsibility, i shouldnt think too much. i recall what mary jane watson said to peter parker in spiderman 2 “dont you think its time you let somebody save you?”
here’s an old letter i sent to miss when she left our college and pursued her dreams elsewhere:
——————————————————————————–
Sent: Tuesday, April 15, 2003 10:11 AM
Subject: my letter for the card
dear miss,
thank you for being my friend,
thank you for teaching me things beyond finite state automata and polynomial space complete problems.
thank you for being an angel in my life
for watching me grow, while i pursue my dreams and pick up my broken pieces
i remember that one morning when i came in early for the 730 data struc class.
you were there on your table at the first floor computer lab, and i was scribbling something on my notebook. you asked me why i was in cebu, and we had some general conversation about things so mundane, that i dont quite recall them now.
i remember me weeping at your office back in 98 when i wanted to transfer in diliman but i couldn’t.. i remember being sad because i would be the only one left behind in a strange city that speaks a strange language that i will never get used to.
i remember many things, bits and pieces, the tour to your new house on paper = the stories about your own personal journey into this madness that is life, i remember the invisible thread of hope that you’ve given me through the years, and the things you’ve sacrificed to stay in an institution which you believed in.
thank you for all those things you’ve done for me, and for the many others like me who are very fortunate to have met you on this road. you have a way of affecting people that one cannot help but go home and sleep at night with a happy thought that a kindred soul has been part of their lives. in this lifetime, there may be others who will fail to acknowledge your worth and fail to recognize and appreciate you, and i am sad for them because they will never know how good you are and how lacking their lives have become by closing their doors on you. i feel sad for UP that it will lose such an important person like you. you are the institution in UP.. you are part of the greatness of every student who have once been just another nameless faceless gray mass in the infinity of living each day.
you are part of how we do things, why we choose an elegant solution over an easy one, why we disdain vectors and praise data structures, and all the other little things that define the idealistic spirit in each of us.
but like us, you cannot confine yourself in a constricted space that will always hide and refuse to reward your talent. you are a teacher, a friend, but most of all, you are a human being too, and you have dreams, and you have goals, and as you watched us grow and live our dreams, the time has come for us to watch you grow too, and follow your dreams.. UP may have been that goal and that dream once, but time like the tide has shifted and has changed a lot of things, and i understand that you too must adapt to that change..
thank you miss.. for everything, i hope you get whatever your heart desires, and i too, hope that i could somehow give justice to what i have learned from you, so that i may one day do something great too.. and affect people in a positive way, the way you’ve done to me.
take care as you embark on yet another journey =) as you close another chapter in your life, and begin a new one, please don’t forget that we are always here cheering for you.. =)
always,
“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”
– The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho.
retracing my steps
i’m off to baguio at 2am tomorrow, its my second time to go there, the first time was 3 years ago i think, i hope i can write something about the experience when i come back on sunday. happy weekend everyone =)
here’s a rehash from beyond forever:
tops: a journey revisited
The first time I went to tops was back in 1996 with family and friends. We were first timers in Cebu, so we did the obligatory tour around the best spots of the city. And tops was one of them, so they say. I hated the place then, it was raining, there were no stars, the wind was freezing and worse, I didn’t bring a jacket. It was just like Tagaytay without the volcano, the hanging bridge, cottages, the lake, the boat ride… The next day I woke up with a flu, and a fever so high I could make water boil with my head, hmm, well not really, but it felt like that anyway. I thought to myself, next time I wont let myself be dragged from my bed without my trusty jacket, especially when mountain tops are in the destination list.
The next time was with a friend. Apparently my friend hasn’t been there yet, so i felt that it was my duty to pay one of Cebu’s tourist spots a visit in honor of my friend. Some sort of a tribute before my friend left for somewhere, with a hint of not coming back. We went there out of a whim actually. After watching the last full show of good will hunting at Ayala, and going home to my room with a final exam in logic and set theory at the back of my head, I decided to go out and find a taxi that would take us to tops. there was nothing new with the place, two years after I first visited it, the entrance fee was higher though, I noticed. It was almost the end of the semester, with a promise of a two month much awaited and well deserved summer vacation for battered college students like us.., and yet there was a sense of foreboding goodbyes and unremarked leave-takings. Somehow everything in my head has come together to show me some of the spirit of that strange and enchanting place. perhaps it is not only the place which makes a moment worthwhile, but also the people, events and feelings wrapped around with it. We went home at around 2a.m. It was foolish of me to bring my notebook there, thinking I would be able to study in the cold and dark. The next day I hurried to finish my exam, my friend would be leaving by boat that afternoon, and I left my damn diskette at home, very convenient for me, especially since that day was supposed to be the deadline of our last programming assignment. “sky rockets in flight” was still playing in my mind, a fragment of the song “afternoon delight”, as I was boarding the jeepney back to school. I did not dare look back to my friend’s shadow walking away from me. I hate goodbyes.
The last time I went there was two years and two months ago today. I was with that same friend, but the wind was blowing differently then. A pause between our words could mean a heart beat or a heart break. It was like a dance with the devil, a wrong step and he wins your soul. I’ll never forget that last time, again it was unexpected. I got a text message out of the blue, we were to meet at my friend’s house then go wherever the soles of our feet would take us. 15 minutes at the net cafe, a light snack at dunkin with the pineapple filled donut out of stock, and me ending up with a pineorange juice instead. We practiced aimless wandering for some time, saying things at the top of our minds, things without meanings, things that could easily slip out like “when were you ever fair?”. and me clutching my heart afraid i’d miss a step and end the dance too soon.
It’s funny how I recall things long past and take each fragment of memory as if they were from yesterday, the wounds still fresh, the scents still lingering.. I guess that’s my punishment for having a long term memory.
What can I say about tops that last time? I don’t know, nothing much really, I remember paying for the entrance fee with my hundred peso bill and forgetting the change, I remember looking earnestly at the cliff, bare without trees, at my cell phone wondering foolishly to myself why it has a signal, and my friend laughing at my stupidity pointing out that we are near a communications tower. There were no stars that night, or maybe the light from the tower was just too bright, I didn’t see the moon either. I only heard random voices whispering in dark. I didn’t catch if they were lies or promises, neither did i care.
In the universe I am merely a dot. a singular light that may fade out any minute, nothing I could have done would have made a difference. but there I was struggling to freeze frame the moment, to stop the morning light from coming, and to keep our minds inebriated by shadows of the past. our worlds spun too fast that i almost lost my bearings.
The walk home was the longest I ever took. Literally and metaphorically. There were no taxis waiting at the top of the mountain and so we had to go down on foot. we went home at 6am and slept till well past noon. The next day, in a state of dazed, suspended euphoria, I couldn’t bring my legs to stand up.
Time has a way of stealing moments from our lives. in spasms of sentiment I wonder what it would be like to remain behind, be swallowed by the memories, be buried in the past. Of course, I can’t; I’m moving on, wherever that may be next.
sleepless in makati
it was 3am again on my mobile phone clock when i finally drifted off to sleep this morning, its been like that for weeks now. im probably having a hard time adjusting my body clock back to normal, or maybe im just a night person. my friend julette said that “a good cop cant sleep because he is thinking about the missing piece while a bad cop cant sleep because his conscience is bothering him”, good thing im not a cop =p
things
“sometimes i get tired of all the struggles i have yet to fight, all the stories i have yet to tell, all the places, the words, the people, i have yet to travel, to write, and to see…
sometimes i just want to sit in my own little corner and watch the world pass me by…
sometimes i wish someone would just sit there, quietly beside me, and know, without saying a word, without asking a question, all the fears and demons hiding inside me,
and somehow i wish that someone would understand.
sometimes i ask myself, if you could be that someone somehow sometime.”
on crazy days
posted at our college yearbook and at peyups
“move to the music of a missing dream, now
slide to the sound of a savage scream, now
the words don’t matter
as long as they scatter
like rain
like rain”
College. One moment you’re waking up at 7:15 so you’ll be just in time for your 7:30 class, dreading the reports, seatworks, exams, homeworks, plays, productions, lab works, programs and what have you that might come pouring down like manna from heaven as you enter the hallowed halls of the campus. The next day you find you’re just a bum. No buzzer beater showers, Good Morning Surprise Quizzes, Hello World 80 pt. Seat works, or 3-hour grueling Debit-Credit b.s. You’re just another graduate; you will be lining up for work the next day or for food rations the week after next. There will be no more wondering if Leibnitz ate lemma for lunch, or if those Greek letters on the formula are actually encoded love letters of Leithold. Life will be boring. You will be working 8 to 5 jobs with 1-hour lunch breaks, while missing those classes you so lovingly scheduled two hours apart so you could still sneak in at the local movie house in between each subject.
Where did all those years go? You start to wonder. How did I let all those years pass by without even so much as a thought? Yes, that time in a bottle song doesn’t sound so melodramatic anymore. What happened to the crazy days — Marching to malls sporting crazy attires and collecting bewildered looks and catcalls from onlookers? Where have all the band fests, mindworks, yearly lantern parades, cookouts and weeklong campus days gone?
You carry a new cell phone to work, a PDA, a laptop, all the latest gadgets. You strut along the business park counting the days till your next trip abroad, but still you dream of waking up on cold mornings during hell week, the org meetings that stretch up to early evenings, the rallies amid the scorching heat, the long and almost endless lines during enrollment, the grouchy looks of some instructors when they’ve had a bad day, the naked man with his arms outstretched looking up to the sky, that crumbling “new building” with no ventilation, and that circled number on those colorful class cards that almost always gives your parents a heart attack.
“once you forget, it’s over,
just start again
once you forget, it’s over,
take what you can
before it’s gone”
Time moves fast, so fast that even the speed of thought can’t capture all the memories you want to keep. You pause for a while. You close your eyes and start thinking of your college years. Those funny turbulent years of experimentations, with undone home works and getting away with it, with not studying for exams and acing them, from collecting ticket booklets of movies to visiting all new food and clothes shops, to attending jam packed, head banging concerts. You remember doing stupid things for what you thought were the right reasons, that one moment of insanity that brought you to the edge of recklessness, the momentary happiness in knowing the rules and breaking them, the misconstrued views you were willing to die for, and those angst filled poems, which used to be fashionable.
You stand in the center of time, ten million lifetimes over and done with and only hinted upon by photographs and souvenirs and words. Every scrap of paper whispered of so much more than you can even begin to remember. Life was there, on that other corner of your mind. And college was more than just a preparation for life. It was life. A big part of life. And its over.
“she runs from the sun of an alien sky
she jumps from the mountain to learn how to fly”
Tonight, my thoughts are collecting; my eyes are wandering over the landscape of the past and thinking of the farewells both real and imagined. Everything in between was something so wonderful that it hurts to write it down. And this was college for me.
prelude
“There are no mistakes. The events we bring upon ourselves, no matter how unpleasant, are necessary in order to learn what we need to learn; whatever steps we take, they’re necessary to reach the places we’ve chosen to go.”
– Richard Bach “The Bridge Across Forever”
night has long eluded my dreams,
and every waking hour brings me farther
from where i should be..
as clouds of confusion settle,
i struggle to break free
i look for an escape, but i find none…
only solitude,
and the deafening silence.
still, every sunset brings me hope
believing somehow,
that light begins,
after this darkness