Category Archives: crossroads

my friend

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I wrote this piece back in the first semester of 1999 while sitting in at a class of Abstract Algebra, this was in response to the poem in Kahlil Gibran’s “The Madman”, which I was reading while the professor was discussing ring homomorphisms – talk about multitasking!

I finished writing it in less than an hour, faster than I could prove isomorphic functions. If I had pursued creative writing, I’m sure I would have been pondering on the origins of natural numbers while the professor rambles on about metaphors.

I guess it just shows that we are more than the things we study, more than degrees and titles we add to our names, more than labels and boxes we try hard to fit ourselves into.

We are infinite possibilities waiting to happen, and we can do more as long as we put our heart and mind into it.

my friend, I dream too much of the past,
too much that I’ve lost myself in it,
unable to wake and live once more.

the “I” in me my friend
would like to leave the house of silence,
for it has been there for too long,
I would not like to be chained forever

when you called me and I did not answer,
my mind was flying over the hills and high mountains,
I was finding myself
I was hoping you’d find me

my friend, you do not understand my wandering thoughts,
but I’d like you to understand,
I cannot fly alone

when I look at the sunset,
you impatiently wait for the break of dawn,
yet even then we bask under the radiance of the same moon,
how I would like you to see my sunset,
as I would love to welcome your dawn

when you swim for the shore, my friend,
I let the waves crush me to the rocks,
for death is the only way I know I could be free.
I wish I knew how to swim
I wish you could teach me

you say I love truth and beauty and righteousness,
yet you do not see how I burn,
how I wish you would see,
but you do not want to,
so I let you believe

my friend, I am not good and wise, no I am not perfect
I would like to shout and be mad for once,
but my walls are too high,
no one will hear me

my friend, you tell me I am not your friend,
help me to understand,
can we not walk together?
I’ll let you lead the way,
let me take your hand

black

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i step one side
life esteemed
outside ourselves
we lead our feelings,
rough, rough is the darkness
that i feel
when we feel not ourselves,
come I’ll show you heaven,
heaven where angels sing
and people die
where lovers say goodbye
where pain is essential to life
where leaders have to lie,
welcome dear one to forever
welcome to good night
forgotten, forgotten
gone…

finding my way

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so this is how it feels to be free. free of comfort zones, free of people who break my walls only to create taller ones of their own. my heart is so light, there is no need to look back to the past and be sad, nor look forward into the future and worry, this is the ultimate feeling of letting go, its like being set free from prison after decades of captivity. at first i was so uncertain on which path to choose, or if i really wanted to be free at all, some part of me sighed and felt it needed to be in chains in order to have meaning, but the other more tired self just wanted to move on and let things be.

more taxi tales

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i was thinking of throwing my t68i out the window because hey, what’s the use of being reachable when nobody really wants to reach you? nah, im not being overly sentimental again for not having any text message for the day, im just irked by this taxi driver who kept texting while driving me to the office, who could possibly want to text a half human, half iguana with a head full of fake hair? tsk, now im being cruel and bitter, bitter, bitter. very bad. this is what happens when i don’t have Relevance.

R-I-I-I-N-NGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what?! and he gets calls while driving? waaaahhhhh!! nobody remembers me!!! hmmmmFF, i think i ought to change careers, i should continue my driving lessons next week so i can get a license before the year ends, then maybe next year i can be a fully pledged taxi driver, yeah right!! there i go again with my crap crap crap.

its almost 8:30, late again for the nth time this month, im beginning to really hate september, the lunatic broken hearts’ people say that july is the best month of the year for romance, and september is when all hell breaks loose and things end, i wouldnt really know, maybe i just think too much, what is love anyway? its just 95% hype and 5% B.S.

“aarrgghhh! sorry miss i forgot to start the meter”

ah well, what a way to start the day, i gave him the perfunctory 40 bucks and got out of the cab.

heh! well at least his phone wasn’t polyphonic!!!!!!!

anywhere but here

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my yahoo messenger status says “bug fixing in purgatory”

yep, that’s how it feels like right now. the aircon is malfunctioning and is spewing out molten lava instead of cool air. the heat is unbearable, this almost reminds me of the 3,000 people in france who died of heat stroke. may their souls rest in peace.. dexter, my seatmate has taken off his shirt and i’m almost tempted to do the same =p but i know that would create quite a stir here in purgatory and they might decide to demote me and kick me straight to hell =)

six days to go and we’ll be flying back home =) now, that’s the only good thing im hanging onto these days, i miss my pillows, and i miss my stupid dog who never fails to put paw marks on my pants when i leave the house for work in the morning.

but most of all, i just simply can’t stand this heat. if hell is like this, i better start doing good deeds from now on.. =p

kamikaze

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it’s summer here in tamagawa,

and the first thing i did was download this really nice song i first heard at the movie “the real cancun”, it’s simple plan’s i dont wanna grow up. well yeah, I DO NOT WANT TO GROW UP. but s%$t happens, so here i am =p too old for turning back, too deep down the road to look back past the street signs i failed to take note of.,

what’s new with this place? nothing really, just the heat that seems to flow about like trapped mercury in a bottle. it’s 31 degrees celcius outside and the hot air permeates my skin too much that it’s not enough to take a cold shower or drown my head in a bucket full of ice to cool me down.

not much work really yesterday, i just had to reinstall the os for the notebook assigned to be my personal friend for the rest of the 27 days left of my stay here. real grunt work started this morning, i was assigned to setup the solaris machines.. so what did i really miss today except for breakfast? not much, i’m still in denial =p reality sets in more slowly these days, like it takes days for things to finally sink in on me, sometimes i find myself saying “did i really do that?!?!” or “i said that!!!?!?!?”. i’m probably stoned most of the times or they slipped something on my drink, =p

ah,,, pass me another kamikaze please =) life is good.. but please dont let me be just another drunken mistake..

siargao

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ok, so let me tell you about siargao.. i have no more time these days to write things down so this entry is a bit delayed,

the boat for surigao left at 8pm friday night, there was a slight drizzle, but the trip was otherwise smooth. the boat docked at surigao port by 4:30a.m. and i proceeded to the hotel to take a shower and charge my soon to be useless mobile phone. the trip to dapa was 3 hours by boat, and by the time we reached the resort, i was exhausted and all i wanted to do was sleep.

but sleep was the last thing on the itenerary, we went island hopping, visited the mangroves, the surf, the yacht building, the sand rifts, we rented bikes and got sunburned, we went swimming at a private island in the middle of the sea.. in between, my glass overflowed of red wine and somebody stole my mule!

i was supposed to be back by monday but there were no boats going back to cebu, so i was reluctantly (yipee!) stranded in surigao. you can actually tour the whole city by tricycle, i went to their airport, which only accomodates 8 seater planes, and their bus station which can take me to the other parts of mindanao.

by tuesday morning i was back to work, sporting a sunburn.. now that’s what i get for not wearing sunscreen =)

tequila nights

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saturday was a drunken soul splitting moment. it was one of those times when you can close your eyes, and hear your heart beating loudly against you chest, and if you breathe real hard, you can feel the stars…

funny how tequila suddenly becomes a hard to find commodity on nights like this =) we had to go to 3 stores and take 2 cab rides just to get a 500ml cuervo, talk about being in demand =)

guitar music and break up songs filled the house while the shot glasses were kept full, guile asked “mahal ka ba nyang talaga?” while matet said: “deep within i’m shaken by the violence of existing for only you,i know i can’t be with you, i do what i have to do”

after much hurling, the show ended, another day was over, four wandering souls looked up to count the artificial stars in my room and fell into the arms of dreamless sleep..

and this is how we make ourselves invincible from pain…

three day weekend

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my friends are moving on with their lives,two of them have resigned from this company and found other jobs that fit them better, last thursday was a rather sad day for me, i couldn’t help but feel down amidst all the farewells, i wanted to throw caution to the wind, buy the first ticket to somewhere and wander off into anonymity, but the comfort zones kept nagging me and urging me to stay and watch the charade go by, i was silent for the rest of the duration of my ride home and only after i closed the door to my room did i let the tears flow freely.

friday was a rainy day, i love the rain, i love looking up to the sky and letting the tiny drops of rain touch my face, its like the sky opened its arms and gave me a glimpse of heaven.

yesterday, i sat outside the house and watched as rain collected on the rain gutters while drinking mule and contemplating on the complexities of being a caterpillar perched on a leaf while trapped in a thunderstorm. i also twisted all meaning from the phrase “it’s better to be alone for the right reasons than to be with someone for the wrong ones” until i’ve drained all desire from it and i was back to being alone on a rainy sunday afternoon.

everything spins around in circles.

of airports and sunsets

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i once asked someone if our friendship, which was generally characterized by leaving and being left behind, would actually survive outside airports. this is the story of my life – staying for a while, moving away again, coming back, moving on, and letting go, letting go…

this sunset picture was taken while on our way home from our 48 day business trip to kanagawa-ken. i’ve always been fascinated with sunsets, it reminds me that another day is over and it gives me hope that my little tragedies would soon be over too.

today i’m back in the world of bug reports and bastardized english, trying to make sense and finding the hidden meaning in it all. incidentally, today is also the day we get measured up against formulaic standards of excellence also known as the merit rating, as for me, with the tons of bugs i create, i guess i should be given a demerit rating instead =p

*sigh* i’m spilling me all over the place again…