i shall wait as this trembling river
meet the setting sun and the dark night
i shall wait for the stars, the moon,
the desolate willow to behold my plight.
and as the sparrow weeps its burning tears,
i shall let the shadows hide me from the years.

we have let our sad affair echo through the years
while the only witness is this lazy river
i have let you go while i wept with muted tears
as we surrender our innocence to the lonesome night
the stars smile to write the melody of our endless plight,
and the overture unfolds amidst the clouded moon

shield me from the darkness, my light, my moon
hide me from the wisdom of bygone years
let me not suffer the fallen angels’ plight
who folded their wings to drown in this river
dont let me be lost in this cruel night
wash my pain and sorrow with heaven’s tears

as this dark hour brings more tainted tears,
my damp eyes are outshined by the solitary moon
the angry sky curses this faithless night
with memories we’ve buried in forgotten years.
still i hear our song in this quiet river
mocking my fallen courage and our fateful plight

would the sunset remember the hopeless plight
of love gone lost in between unspent tears?
would you go back to hear this lonely river
cry out its pain to the stubborn moon?
will tomorrow find me seeking the wasted years
while yeaterday buries our woes in the distant night?

my soul is clenched by the sadness of the night
while the wind plays the mournful music of our plight
where did they go, all those passing years?
why did we shed all these fragile tears?
how did dark night claim our reveries from the moon
and spill our emptiness on the banks of this river?

the night holds no answers, only more silent tears
as our plight lay naked under the unforgiving moon
years will find me, alone once more, as the wind sweeps across this river

11.22.2003.10.33.a.m.

there’s a certain kind of sadness
that floats about the air today
a certain kind of farewell,
both real and imagined
a certain kind of sadness
that hangs about my closed eyes
a certain kind of emptiness
that fills my void heart

there’s a certain kind of sadness
that floats about the air today
the world goes by sepia toned
everything is so background noise
the certain kind of sadness
walks with me to the pantry,
when i fill my mug with water
and bring it close to my lips

there’s a certain kind of sadness
that floats about the air today
maybe it’s the way the clouds rolled by
or how the sun’s rays filled the sky
there’s a certain kind of loneliness
that wraps around my silent heart,
and i guess its because you’re leaving
that’s why this sadness floated by

11.22.2003.8.42.a.m.

im
walking
in
between
the
spaces
where
your
memory
falls
tonight

im
dreaming
in
between
the
promises
that
reminds
me
of
you
tonight

im
crying
in
between
the
drops
of
rain
that
screams
for
you
tonight

11.19.2003.03.28.a.m.

tell me more about letting go
i lack the wisdom to know such things

oui, ces’t amour

the pale moon hides the darkness
against the fallen leaves

the rain stays deaf and heartless
at the melancholy it weaves

a tear or two drops gently
for yesterday’s forgotten vows

as a butterfly rests so silently
while the gentle wind blows

and with its feigned indifferece
the night blindly unfolds

reciting this mournful cadence
for the budding love it molds

10.24.2003.2.51.p.m.

they say you’re going home
you miss the dust, the traffic,
the rust colored smog, and
everything mundane that defines
the place we were born

and i just say i miss home,
the streets i ran away from,
the posts i played hide and seek with,
the bright lights, the gravel,
the stones, everything in between

but i belong nowhere, im a wanderer,
a homeless away from home,
and i stay here, just another port
among the nameless ports i’ve been,
counting the clouds of this alien city

you say you’re going home soon,
for a week or two perhaps, good for you..
bring back a handful of stars from our sky,
a pocketful of dreams from the air,
bring back a piece of my home with you..

goodbye, take care, see you soon. =)

10.23.2003.4.53.p.m.

just one of those nights when a
    good night becomes a goodbye and
everything ends too soon
    one after another, like glass
reminded of its fragile corners.
    only 3am and half said words
invites this much space between us.
    dreams take on the feel of old age,
captured moments bleed away,
    between us – the long silence..
keep the stains of reality floating,
    yesterday is always too late,.

    even now, even after all this time.

10.13.2003.5.32.p.m.

you have gone
i must have forgotten
the angels took you
to become the clouds
to be one with the rain
to fall with my tears

yet you linger
in my waking and dreaming
i taste you every night
as i close my eyes
i cant sleep,
i never sleep

i cant spill you out of me

10.02.2003.1.41.p.m.

i watch the clouds
fall into place
the world turns
uninterrupted
nobody knows my grief

09.25.2003.11.13.a.m.

i dont know why i write maybe im just one of those drama students on an impromptu acting assignment, where the world is their stage, and the roles they assume are the ones that fall from the back of their heads when they close their eyes to blink and think of their first line.

maybe i am like that, maybe i am superficial, i wear a mask when i write, i wear different colors, red, blue and black, sometimes i am naked and i let my heart bleed into the pages, sometimes i am ice and i freeze time in between phrases, but since my masks and my skin have become too entangled, i cannot take off my face and know for certain if it is me, if it’s my story, my sadness, my grief..

i only truly write when i am homeless, when i am without roots and nobody holds me down and hugs me and tells me i am theirs, i belong to them and theirs for the keeping, i only truly write when i need to forget, because writing things down removes the burden from my mind, it removes the need to remember, because somewhere, in some obscure corner, it is written, it is immortalized in words, thus there is no need to have it forever stamped in my mind,

there is freedom when i write, i can dream, i can fly, i decide when to go, what to do, who to be with, and who/where/what to stay away from.. i can be real when i write, i can feel, truly feel. it’s like looking at my reflection from a clear running water, it shows the ugliness, and all the sadness i keep behind my eyes.

i write of beauty, i write of pain, sometimes i write of all the ugly that is me, i write everything and nothing at all, because i have no meaning, my words are its own excuse for being. i never write about how it is to be happy, happy is a thought i keep locked away inside my heart, happy is something i dont want to forget, so i never want to write it down.. there are no words to describe great emotions, it is physical pain for me to try to capture moments in words that dont quite fit.. that is why happy stays at that remote place inside my heart, and therein it will stay for a long while more..

summer is almost over, and september is just around the corner… ah september, it will be a month of silence for me.. i will try to look for happiness falling down on side streets, and i will fill my pockets with it, i will not write it down lest i forget how it fills my lungs. i will be in hiatus, i will be looking over a cliff, deciding if i should jump into the chasm, or fly over it.. i will be quiet, i will be invisible, i will be without a voice, nor a footprint, i will stay this way till i find myself homeless again,

thank you for trying to make sense of me, the best that you can.. maybe one of these days you will find me walking beside you, you carrying your canvas, and me carrying my notebooks, i will share with you my words, my stories, and you can show your paintings to me =)

till then, i will be the soft voice at the tip of your tongue, and i will taste you when i close my eyes at night.

08.22.2003.2.38.p.m.j.p.t