Category Archives: carcinogenic

i am a hollow reed

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I grew up watching “Perfect Strangers” on Thursday nights. In this comedy show, Larry chants a weird mantra every time Balky annoys him: “I am a hollow reed, troubles blows through me like the wind *insert sound of wind here*”. It keeps him sane, grounded and in control. I could use a mantra, I could use a double barrel shotgun then run amok and blast the minions to another galaxy. Tsk, I should stop reading True Crime books.

CT: these days i cant help but wish i was back in a time when everything was easier
Hot Shot Lawyer Guy (HSLG): you’re telling me. i wish i was 10 years old all over again
CT: no matter how simple you want things to be, they always find ways to morph themselves into something complicated. i should go back to being 6 years old and never grow up
HSLG: it’s days like these when i realize how great it is to be mentally retarded. so what’s been up with you
CT: i found a song that would keep my nerves calm. its on eternal repeat in my ipod right now. ill probably be mentally retarded before the battery runs out. =) so your job is keeping you busy? no time to have personal problems?
HSLG: everybody has personal problems.=) my job, thankfully, keeps my mind occupied.
CT: i don’t want to have personal problems, i’d like to donate my body to science hehe
HSLG: hahaha. it sounds like you need a good laugh

IPOD MOOD: “Pink Bullets” by The Shins

clean house

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There’s this great show on the lifestyle network called “Clean House”. The people from CH will go to your place and help you declutter. They’ll encourage you to let go of things that you think are so valuable because of sentimental reasons but are actually just plain old useless junk in the eyes of others. I’ve watched grown men cry over Hard Rock beanie babies, assorted shot glasses and Harley tees they’ve collected over the years. I’ve seen middle-aged women cling on to old bridal gowns they will never wear again or weird looking dolls they got from their mom.

The memory value is indeed priceless, and if you have a big room where you can stack up all your trash in a shelf like a museum of sorts, I doubt there would be a need to give them up. Unfortunately, space is an issue and renting a warehouse to store the piles of accumulated stuff is not an option. (Hmmm, this gives me a business idea) And so the waterworks begin as home owners try to hold on to their treasure trove while the CH staff bribe them with entertainment center and dvd players to stop them from living in the past.

Tonight, I’m starting my very own CH project, Operation Clean Heart. I need to start anew by discarding old emotions. I guess this is part 2 of the letter ripping episode I did some months ago, but this time, I’m ripping my heart right out.

IPOD MOOD: “Your House” by Jimmy Eat World

haagen daaz all the way

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Next week I’ll be starting with my new work, but I still have to report in my current job to finish some tasks and turn over my responsibilities. That would mean 80 hour work weeks, I feel like a lawyer or a med intern. I hope the pay is enough to cover the hospital bills.

Visited my old high school last Tuesday, it felt so much smaller than I remembered. Somehow old worries seem so inconsequential now as I walked through the hallways and listened to a lecture on balancing chemical formula and solving differential calculus. I wanted to barge in and say “Hey, you know what, as you go through life you’ll find out that not all things are similar to chemical compounds with definite atomic weight and can be balanced nor are all problems like polynomially complete equations that have roots” But of course I just held my tongue, they would have to learn that for themselves. My physics, math, economics and literature olympiad participation did very little in helping me get through the most difficult phases of my existence in this world. Most of the times, my idealism that everything has a logical explanation or a rational solution just made me more pessimistic. It’s easier to accept that all is random, no need to find patterns and arithmetic progression to understand it.

So now, as I shed my old beliefs and stretch my new found wings, I hope I’ll wake up one day and find out that I can still fly despite all the bruises and beatings.

I can almost see the rainbow over the next horizon.

IPOD MOOD: “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield

nothing new

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The past week has been quite turbulent. I’m starting this new campaign where I don’t let bad people and events affect me anymore. Hence let me start a new blog hopefully to lift me up and remind me that good things happen somehow. It can’t always be gray clouds all the way. Saying it will make it true.

“There are no accidents in life. Everything happens for a reason. We meet people because they have a message for us. Ignoring them means losing the opportunity to hear that message. Experiences happen because there are lessons to be learned from them. Failing to analyze an experience means losing the chance to learn from it” – James Redfield, The Celestine Prophecy –

IPOD MOOD: “The Distance” by Evan and Jaron

i’ll be ok

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“What is the worst feeling in the world?”, I asked Essa last Sunday when she dropped by the pad after a week long vacation from the toxic city life. “Guilt and helplessness”, she replied. I pondered a little and considered her answer, then she flipped the question back to me. “Betrayal”, I said without hesitation as I looked away. “Is that why you haven’t been eating and sleeping for the past days?”. I stared blankly and stayed silent.

brighter than sunshine

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“in order to be happy now, I should own myself up to the possibility that I might one day be sad. I should accept the reality that there might not be anyone for me, at least I could get on with the rest of my life without having to think about that *missing* part.”

– the real cancun

wordplay

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There is always something to chronicle when there’s absolutely nothing going on in your life. You can ramble on about the mundanity of everyday existence, the lack of things to do, places to go, or people to talk to. The void of not being in a relationship or the nuance in belonging to one, the absence of time or money or energy to accomplish something – these are but a few of the subjects one can use as an excuse to fill up space with more nonsense, as if the world listens or notices. But it doesn’t matter, it’s just a release. Writing something down behind the anonymity of blogs fills this need of expressing yourself and being heard. It deceives you into believing that someone somewhere actually cares.

I’ve read and seen a lot of ways on how to cope up with building frustration, Paulo Coelho suggests that you write it down on paper then let it be swept away by the waves of the River Piedra. I can just imagine the tons of trash filling that site if all people follow his advice. Nicholas Sparks offers that throwing a letter inside an empty wine bottle to the vast ocean would do the trick, this could be a romantic way of finding true love and yet that’s sacrilege to the marine ecosystem. Wong Kar Wai proposes finding a tree with a big hole and shouting all your secrets in there. This sounds like a plan, very environment friendly and all it entails is a map of the hundred acre wood and a pair of trusty hiking boots. But being the lazy lump of lard that I am, I prefer Lilo’s way of screaming everything on a pillow. All my huggable fluffy headrest are now certified deaf from this activity. My throat also aches and all I can do is drink hot tea and whisper to make it more bearable. Why do we punish ourselves like this? Are we addicted to pain?
On and on
She just keeps on trying
And she smiles when she feels like crying
On and on,
– On and On, Stephen Bishop –

Back to reality, I have job interviews left and right, something to stimulate the logic in me. thank God!

the future is bleak

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Two years ago I got a heart torn in two, with the intent of giving the other half to someone who wanted to share it with me. I wore it for a month or so till my skin erupted and my body rejected the idea of ever parting with half of my treasure. Last Saturday while Yuck and I were moving things and cleaning up the new flat, I found my rusty heart and decided to use it again. I drowned it in a strong chemical that wiped away all the blackness, it now looks good as new, but it’s still broken, after all, that’s how it always was to begin with.

Tonight, the rain is pouring hard and I’m looking forward to walking home drenched and soaked in heaven’s tears. Why can’t time just stop for a while and take me back to that happy place? The windows at my new room doesn’t have a view of the sky, I can’t seem to hear the laughter of the stars from where I stand, are they still there?

Maybe I should take the Osaka route soon to get away from all this sadness..

i need answers

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how do we measure the distance between raindrops?
how do we draw a line between love and pain?
how do we go one road and then travel another?
how do we cry our hearts out, then smile again?

how do we find what we’ve once lost?
how do we forget what we shouldn’t remember?
how do we see blue skies when the clouds are grey?
how do we say yes when we have to say never?

how do we make an apt end to what we’ve started?
how do we deny to the world what we really feel?
how do we know when to give up and say it’s over?
how do we decide what is and isn’t real?

08.28.2006.5.56.p.m.

independence day

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Last week was a series of resets and deletions in my life. I woke up and found out that my nano’s forward button isn’t working, I tried a reset but it wouldn’t respond. So I decided to bring it to the Apple Center for repair or replacement. The attendant took one look then erased everything! In 5 seconds my 2 gb worth of songs, photos, ebooks, and contacts were all gone! I walked out in a state of shock. She should have told me first that all i needed to do was reformat the drive and update the software to fix the problem, I could have done that myself and backup my songs too. what great customer service! She should be hit by a meteor rock from outer space (so Smallville!).

When I arrived home, I took out my Clie from the drawer, intending to update my expenses but lo and behold! It wouldn’t turned on! What is happening to my gadgets?! Turned out the battery went empty and all my data got wiped clean. Boohoo!

I guess this day is teaching me some hard realities about stuff. Sometimes things just disappear without warning, and you can never be fully prepared for that, but you have to accept it. You can’t just stay stuck in the I’m – so – shocked – I – can’t – believe – this – is – happening – to – me – What – have – I – done – to – deserve – this state. Sooner or later you will have to pick up the pieces and rebuild what can still be fixed. Of course, we shouldn’t forget the lessons, that’s the best part about making mistakes, we learn how to prevent making the same ones again.

As for me, I’ll move on, tomorrow I’ll take out all my CDs again and rip all the songs back to my ipod, then I’ll reinstall all the PDA apps that I need, and this time I won’t forget to charge everyday.