Author Archives: poeticnook

inspiring the uninspired

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gave up snowboarding today because i needed to finish this stupid document. i’ve been staring blankly at the screen for 7 hours now and nothing is coming to my head, no light bulb, no epiphany, no revelation, no clarity, no wisdom. the fog has turned to blue skies then back to fog again, and i’ve ran up and down 14 stories to no avail. i need to find the will and inspiration to do this, maybe i’m driven by deadlines, maybe this is not my passion, maybe i was not meant to do this, maybe i don’t belong here, maybe i’m just a good for nothing slacker pretending to be a software engineer, when in fact i would do the whole i.t. community a favor if i retire and grow root crops in some mountain province, who knows? maybe i just don’t care, i mean really, what’s the worst that can happen if i don’t do this? just get fired, it’s not like it’s a matter of life and death, it’s just a job. i’ve been working for the past 10 years, i need a break, just bum around and wait for manna to fall from the sky or something.

someone i know is going to tokyo next week to present results on cancer research, i was invited to go and do some math work for the paper but that’s not really very possible right now with my current visa status. would be cool working with a bunch of doctors and mathematicians, analyzing data on the effects of intermittent androgen suprression after radiation theraphy for advanced cancer. but as it is, i am here, grounded, stuck, putting logic in excel sheets and inventing class diagrams. how did i get here?

need to focus now and finish this, don’t want to waste another weekend chained to this laptop screen.

Speak of the Devil
Sum 41

Trying to find a way
Getting better every day
And I got you now, I’m not alone
All I need in this life is one,
One thing to believe in

I’ve seen many a face
From young, and too old
I’ve stolen their faith, and I have broken their souls
Was here before Christ, had forgave you your sins
And paid your price, and sealed your fate within
Days have come to an end
Today’s the day that we meet again
The self inflicted inebriation, guilt never lies

I’ve been waiting for the chance to reunite this sick romance
Poison never hurt so good
So nice of you to speak of me
Your closest friend and enemy
An only savior of masochists
Well it’s the dead end slave
From the alter to the grave
It’s the last days of our life
The faith of men

Time, it’s been so long
And now there’s nothing to say
I’m trying so hard to find the words to say
I’m tired of being, now I’m something I’m not
I can’t believe, and I never thought
Days would come to an end
Well maybe someday we’ll meet again
If ever that day never comes
It would be too soon

I’ve been waiting for the chance to nullify this sick romance
Pull the cord to detonate
So sick of you don’t speak of me
No represent of misery
An only savior of masochists
Well it’s the dead end slave
From the alter to the grave
It’s the last days of our life
Well it’s the dead end slave
From the alter to the gray
It’s the last days of our life
The faith of men

Trying find a way,
Getting better every day
And I got you now, I’m not alone
All I need in this life is one
One thing to believe in

maybe you’re right

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the magnitude of people’s selfishness often disappoint me. i’m glad there is God, my family, friends, and music that i could turn to, to appease my soul. otherwise i really will go crazy trying to deal with all these things..

the real world is messed up, but tomorrow is another day, and so i carry on.

Maybe You’re Right
Barenaked Ladies

It was often talked about
It was often raised
But nothing was ever done about it
To hear the way they talked about it
Noone could be saved
But nothing was ever done about it

Shall I take back everything I’ve ever said
And live my whole life in silence instead?

It was oversimplified
It was underthought
And nothing was ever done to stop it
Everything was fortified by
All the lies we bought
And nothing was ever done to stop it

Shall I take back everything I’ve ever said
And live my whole life in silence instead?

Shall I take back everything I’ve ever said
(Shall I take back all my attacks? All of my accusations?)
And live my whole life in silence instead?
(All my mistrust – we never discussed anyone’s reservations)

There was a time
When a crime was a crime
Now I think I’m losing my mind
Or taking it all too hard
Taking it all too hard
Taking it all too hard

Shall I take back all my attacks? All of my accusations?
All my mistrust – we never discussed anyone’s reservations

Shall I take back everything I’ve ever said
(Shall I take back all my attacks? All of my accusations?)
And live my whole life in silence instead?
(All my mistrust – we never discussed anyone’s reservations)

Maybe you’re right
Maybe you’re right
Maybe you’re right
But I don’t think so

risky business

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since the skating rink gave up on me last saturday, not without sprains and bruises, i decided to head to 4th and burrard to get some snowboarding gear instead, after all, what’s the point of being in a snow covered country if i’m not going to enjoy its winter sports right? =) can’t sulk around until the sun comes out again, which in vancouver is probably next to never anyway – that would mean i’m gonna be miserable for three quarters of the year if i don’t find any other activity aside from running away to some other sunny city.

wanted to buy board and boots as well but then again what am i gonna do with it if the forces that be suddenly decide to send me home in 19 days? can’t really go pavement boarding in makati, can i? =) content with the rest of my purchase, and relatively poorer, proceeded to bute to enjoy tamako’s home cooked yakisoba and miso plus a game of global domination. risk is a nice game, i tried my best to defend my territories in australila and parts of asia but the mighty army of north america crushed my forts to pieces. it was a merciless bloodbath, which i shall avenge next time ^^

stayed up till 4am thinking too much about things and writing stuff that made sense only in my head. two hours later, hitched a ride to whistler – site of the 2010 winter olympics. probably not the best place for beginners, but hey it’s a great story to tell =) i did all these amazing falls at blackcomb, almost ran over two skiers, almost hit a post, almost hit a tree, almost crashed on the lift, almost broke my neck, probably broke my back, but hey i was still in one piece after 8 hours of uninterrupted climbing up and falling down, didn’t really feel any pain, i’m probably immune to it already – which is great.

sky, snow, clouds, board, sky, post, tree, sky, snow, lift, sky.. i’m definitely doing this again next weekend.. hopefully no avalanche warning this time..

at earl’s for lunch this afternoon to mark a friend’s birthday – quarter of a century, what a milestone. where was i when i reached that mark? my blog says i was at cafe havana with ri and gia, they’re now in japan and london respectively, one happily married, the other engaged, time flies when you’re having fun =) back then i was marking the whole october as mine as usual, travelling, watching movies, playing games, buying gadgets, hanging out with friends, dealing with family issues, tinkering with tech stuff, dabbling in poetry, juggling broken hearts, waiting for flowers to wilt, probably swimming in mud and contemplating on existentialism or what i’ve done with my life so far – quarter life crisis, but it doesn’t matter anymore. life is getting better every day. and today is just one of those days.

tonight i’m catching up with my older brother. everybody’s been asking me when i’m coming home, i wish i knew the answer, but i don’t. and i don’t really care anymore either. whatever will be will be, the future’s not ours to see, que sera sera =p

fading to mediocrity

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Your result for The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test… Fairly Normal
48 % Nerd, 30% Geek, 17% Dork

For The Record:

A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.
A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.
A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.

You scored less than half in all three, earning you the title of: Fairly Normal.

This is not to say that you don’t have some Nerd, Geek or Dork inside of you–we all do, and you can see the percentages you have right above. This is just to say that none of those qualities stand out so much as to define you. Sure, you enjoy an episode of Star Trek now and again, and yeah, you kinda enjoyed a few classes back in the day. And, once in a while, you stumble while walking down the street even though there was nothing there to cause you to trip. But, for the most part, you look and act fairly typically, and aren’t much of an outcast.

I’d say there’s a fair chance someone asked you to take this test. In any event, fairly normal.

Congratulations!

If you enjoyed this test, I would love the feedback!

Take The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test at HelloQuizzy

rhythm of the falling snow

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thanks to unending falling snow, i’m trapped in my bunk for the weekend and thanks to tv reruns, i now know the name of the random tv show i was watching last time – “the city” – must admit, the series is not really that interesting but the soundtrack is striking, as usual i’m more captivated by music rather than plot, found that other song that was playing in one of the scene.

just finished shoveling slush from the front and back porch steps so i could actually go out in the morning, but it started snowing again so i guess i should just let it be and snowboard my way to the office tomorrow ^_^

here’s the view from my bedroom window – the building with the triangle on top is where i work, so near and yet so far when you look at the mountain of snow that i have to walk on =)

Prelude To A Kiss
by Alicia Keys

Sometimes I feel
like I don’t belong anywhere.
And it’s gonna take
so long for me to get to somewhere

Sometimes I feel so heavy hearted
but I can’t explain cuz I’m so guarded.
But that’s a lonely road to travel,
and a heavy load to bear.

And it’s a long, long way to heaven
but I gotta get there
Can you send an angel?
Can you send me an angel to guide me.

borrowed time

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never really got a chance to watch dying young back in 1991, i was probably not into sitting still for two or so hours at that age (not that i am any different now). i get easily bored when i have to focus on doing just one thing at a particular moment. anyway, was listening to kenny g.’s holiday album last week when i came across the soundtrack for this movie, now i’m interested to check it out and see for myself what the hype is all about. talk about delayed reaction. =)

nablopomo’s theme for this month is change, very interesting, what a way to start the new year – write about change everyday; i just might join except i’m done with writing. there is nothing more to write about, i’ve used up all my words, i’ve reached the dead end road. i’m tired. i don’t know why. i just feel so drained of energy these days. something is keeping my head heavy, who cares, it doesn’t matter, maybe i’ll just stick with pictures, and see if they’re really worth a thousand words..

caught this song while flipping through channels on tv last night:

“Borrowed Time”
A Fine Frenzy

Thick as thieves the last of leaves
In the winter sun
Holding fast this freezing branch
Is home to us

Step, step right over the line
And onto borrowed time
When it’s life, not waiting to die
Waiting to divide to divide

Counting stars and passing cars
On the interstate
The end is near I feel it dear,
But I am not afraid

Step, step right over the line
And onto borrowed time
When it’s life, not waiting to die
Waiting to divide to divide

But you say you’re getting tired
You’re tired and so am I
When you follow from behind

Step, step right over the line
And onto borrowed time
When it’s life, not waiting to die
Waiting to divide to divide

But you say you’re getting tired
You’re tired and so am I
When you follow from behind

last day of the year

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When welcoming the New Year, It is customary to recap events or enumerate if not rank people or things that had some significant impact in our lives for that passing year. It doesn’t matter if it’s good or bad, that’s all relative, as long as it affected or changed us, then it should be recognized. So to honor this tradition, here’s my best of 2008:

– trips: San Francisco, Hawaii, Oregon Coast, Seattle, LA, San Diego, Vancouver mainland / islands, and Toronto; not nearly as many as last year and mostly cities I’ve already gone to, I was running out of new places to visit that don’t require a visa, (I need a blue passport ;p )

– firsts: Despite my being ancient, I still have lots to discover on this earth. Here’s a list of new things I tried:
* sailing, driving a powerboat, sleeping in a boat on a freezing night, snorkeling, kayaking, camping, doing the grouse grind, hiking the chief, staying at hostels, hitching rides, talking to random people, exploring lava tubes, watching a volcano spew magma up close, cycling along the seawall, cycling across the golden gate, running to catch ferries, missing plane flights, having turkey dinner, watching live hockey game, shoveling snow, pumping gas, sleeping over at other people’s house, attending parties with people I don’t really know, staying away from allergens and alcohol, actually taking my meds and finishing a bottle, and allowing myself to be friends with people outside my bubble

– misses: Knowing I have issues with failure, this year has been particularly difficult for me because of some heartbreaking mishaps:
* being kicked out of the house because I leave early / come home late to / from work all the time, camping at the office since I have no other place to go, dealing with the rollback of the same project which robbed me of my time and caused my living arrangement to deteriorate, coming to terms with the fact that everybody is replaceable and can be fired or sent home without notice no matter how much they know or gave up, feeling like a pawn in a chess game – so small and insignificant in the grand scheme of things, becoming a burden by sleeping over at other people’s couches while looking for new place to rent, coping with disappointment of a post release breakdown, missing family and not being able to go home to people who truly care for me, dealing with fake people and playing their games while trying to keep my soul intact, understanding that some people never say what they mean nor mean what they say and doing my best not to be like them, and finally accepting that I am nothing, a nobody, a tiny flame who can’t even cast a proper shadow.

– lessons: Experiences happen to teach us something, so I distill these events and ferment them with time, until they no longer hurt, that way I can finally see them for what they truly are, and appreciate what they taught me.
* living alone in a faraway country without family or friends is tough, last year was bearable because I had relatives and workmates with whom I can relate to, I never felt misplaced, or homesick, but after losing them and having to face all these disappointments, I learned valuable lessons on humility, patience, understanding and acceptance.

I went through a phase of depression right after coming back in August, I was homeless, a failure at work, stripped of my friends, and without anybody to turn to but God. I prayed for an Angel to guide me because I couldn’t do it on my own, but it’s not reslly my nature to ask for or accept help, so I kept sinking into the black hole.

Outside I was this strong, self sufficient, in control, calm, cool, and collected person, a complete structure on it’s own that didn’t need anything else in this world, but each night I was breaking down till it just became too much to bear. I missed being hugged and crying on someone’s shoulder, I missed being told that everything will be alright and tomorrow will be better. I never felt more miserable in my entire existence on this planet.

“after great pain, a formal feeling comes; the way freezing persons recollect the snow, first the pain, then the stupor, then the letting go”

So I decided to let go, let the waves crush me to the rocks and stop fighting the tides, I started putting everything in place, making sure the world will turn uninterrupted for people I will leave behind in case my time here is done. I have always lived each day as if it were my last, but now I have this urgency to share everything I know and give everything I have, leaving only the minimum to myself. I keep saying I’m done with all this pain, I’m ready to give up.

– resolution: I’m not a person who makes these, instead I have goals or some sort of general direction where I see myself in the next 365 days. But as it is, I don’t really plan stuff, I just flip coins. Unfortunately I gave up my coin some months ago, so now I have nothing, I’m just waiting to be led..

With this coming year, I feel the winds of change are blowing once more, I will keep all these lessons like seashells from some sandy shore and put them all on my shelf of recollection. I am embracing the unknown and letting the rain shape me and mold me to become someone better, or crush me into pieces until I return to the dust where I came from. I don’t really care anymore. Such is life.

it just takes some time

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The Middle
by Jimmy Eat World

Hey, don’t write yourself off yet
It’s only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don’t you worry what they tell themselves when you’re away.

It just takes some time, little girl
you’re in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine,
everything will be alright.

Hey, you know they’re all the same.
You know you’re doing better on your own, so don’t buy in.
Live right now. Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn’t matter if it’s good enough for someone else.

It just takes some time, little girl
you’re in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine,
everything will be alright.

Hey, don’t write yourself off yet.
It’s only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just do your best, do everything you can.
And don’t you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say.

under the san diego sun

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Vancouver weather forecast was snowstorm over the holidays so I knew I had to fly to some warm city or else I’ll freeze to death in my apartment while my last memory would be of annoying barking dog in the background. So where’s the nearest warm city at this time of the year? San Diego!

Dec 24: arrived at 8pm and practiced aimless wandering at downtown SD. Nothing much to see on a rainy night but strolled along Embacadero and got a glimpse of the bay bridge to Coronado. Watched random strangers as they hurried off to places they needed to be. For a moment I was reminded of things and people I missed like home, family, and friends, but I had to brush the feeling away, or else I would just fall into the black hole. Playing at TGI Friday’s while I was passing by: The Middle by Jimmy Eat World

Dec 25: after surviving Christmas eve away from family, I woke up to blue skies and sunny day. Hiked to Balboa Park to check out the museums but they were all closed, so went to the zoo instead to visit Panda, maybe learn some Kung Fu, and a few other Oriental words while I’m at it 😉 it started to rain after I said hi to the polar bear so I took the gondola and walked back home in time for my $5 Christmas dinner prepared by the hostel volunteers. It was great, best five bucks spent this month. I expected to be tired from a day of walking, but somehow my brain can’t shutdown, so I tried to write myself to sleep once more.

Dec 26: feeling a bit adventurous or stupid or both, decided to take the trolley to San Ysidro, the town next to the Mexican border. People kept saying it was dangerous to go there because of the random acts of violence, but I had nothing to lose so I took my passport, got a day pass and hopped on the Blue Line. There is nothing to see at the border, just an outlet mall and a one way street to Mexico. Wanted to see what’s on the other side and go buy me a snow globe but I didn’t have a visa so I couldn’t cross the line. Just ended up hopping on and off buses and following people around until I got sick of it and all the roads were just a blur of unfamiliar signs. Got off at some forgotten avenue and walked 14 blocks back to temporary home. Before i retired to dreamless sleep at 4am, I felt like a tiny insignificant dot in the mass of humanity.

Dec 27: 3 days has passed and still I haven’t seen the beach so bought another day pass and took bus 30 to La Jolla. It has a breakwater where seals starbathe and a cove facing the Pacific ocean. Became a beach bum for a day and walked from end to end, the water was too cold to dip in without a wetsuit. Looking at the big waves I can just imagine that on the other side of that vast ocean is home, and those waves crushing the rocks on my feet will be the same waves touching the shores of my land, if only it can carry me away from here then maybe it will be ok. Watched the sunset atop a large rock formation while the rest of the people used their high powered telephoto lense to immortalize nature’s marvel on canvas. I only had my eyes, my memory and my words to capture the colors of dusk swallowing the sky. One loves the sunset when one is sad.

Dec 28: last day in sunny SD, checked out of hostel at 11 then took bus 901 to Coronado, it was a 30 minute ride from 10th and Market. I love the sandy beach in this place, should have gone here from day 1 but it was raining then. Played chess on the beach and walked along the coastline, then all too soon I had to catch the bus back to the airport. My 5 day vacation to sunny city has come to an end. Now I am preparing myself to brave the cold harsh winter of Canada. It was fun while it lasted, just when the place has started to grow on me, it’s time to move on again, such is life. I’m just thankful that I have this opportunity to set foot on an uncharted region that used to be just another postcard picture for me. Life is good. The future is friendly. We’re growing together. I should keep this thought for the New Year.