Halloween is a big thing here, I don’t really understand why. Yearly they have this parade along Commercial drive where people dress up as ghouls or whatever oddities and try to frighten each other.. I joined the party with friends who were eager to conquer the streets in their scary outfits – this reminded me of crazy days back in university.

The energy in this event is punctuated by drum beats and wild revelries – enough to scare the monsters away, or draw them closer. By 10pm I was dizzy and disoriented from the fumes so we slowly headed back home.

Once in a while all it takes is a dark cold night and a bunch of faceless nameless people wearing masks to pull one back to earth.

Or maybe lower.

Action de grâce is an annual one-day holiday to give thanks for the things one has at the close of the harvest season, celebrated on the second Monday in October. That’s what Wikipedia says about the Canadian Thanksgiving. So there wasn’t really any pilgrims or natives gathering around for the land grabbing like the American Thanksgiving in November. Canadians are just basically thankful for what they have. Great! It’s only an excuse to have a long weekend or a holiday then. But aren’t we supposed to be thankful everyday for what we have anyway? Why do we need a specific day to give thanks? Or it could be to match Columbus Day in U.S. which happens at the same time.

Oh well, who am I to complain, I get a three day long weekend and I get to spend it however I choose, it’s like getting a Chance card in Monopoly that says “Advance to GO”. The problem is how to manage these free days? That’s what kills me. I’m not good at staying in place and waiting around and doing nothing. But I’m not good at lugging excess baggage around either. Ah such intricate travesty of this life I live.

But I should be thankful really, and so today, two days past Thanksgiving, I’m going to spend 5 seconds to list down the 3 things I am grateful about right now:

1. God, whatever people conceive him to be, for planting faith, hope, love and patience in my heart.
2. my family, who, even though they are halfway across the globe, are in good health and cares for me, and misses me a lot, and can’t wait to see me again soon.
3. my friends, who, despite my idiosyncracies, put up with me and tolerate me and still keep in touch.

Aside from all that, I am thankful for every sunset that ends each day’s worries and every sunrise that gives new hope.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

three degrees with thin clouds overnight.. it will be sunny this weekend but don’t let the sunshine fool you – that was what the weather guy said. watching the forecast brings me back to january 2007 when i first landed in vancouver, the theme song reminds me of a time when we were still camping at ramada and going to safeway everyday for chicken dinner then walking to work each morning huddled in our jackets to protect our faces from the wind. it’s been 21 months since then and one would think that i would have adapted to the cold by now, me being cold hearted and all, but no, i guess i’m not as stoical as i thought i was. i can still feel. i’m actually human. i hurt. i cry. i fall. i stumble. i make mistakes.

i like being this rock, someone solid and dependable, this person people go to for advice. one who listens and says all the right things and takes away all the bad feelings. i like being this positive energy that inspires others to be better. it’s a role i easily take on whenever someone has a problem or is down and out and needs some pep up talk. i have this gift of making monsters magically disappear from other people’s minds, and bringing people back to their happy places. i could actually make a career out of this, if only i could be consistent.

but at the end of the day, i go home alone and face my own monsters, and there’s nobody to hurl them against the plastic wall. what happens when the rock is slowly chipping away? who puts it back together? being this person who’s so used to helping others, i find it hard to admit that i need help too. and it’s much harder to find someone else who can pull me out of the dumps and back to solid ground. i need heroes and angels and mythical creatures to save me. wish i could put a sign on my shirt that says: “i’m just waiting for one sunny day..” then i’ll be done with it. put an end to all this madness.

there is a battle raging inside my frozen heart tonight (i think that’s mangled from a song but hey whatever). there are two opposing forces, both sides up in arms, neither wanting to lose nor give way. one wants to appear strong, say everything’s in control, and deny that there’s an engine malfunction somewhere, the other is drowning, flailing its arms frantically, waving for someone else to do the saving, and here i am, this detached third person, observing from the distance. not really picking a side or pointing a finger. just letting the dust settle down before i take off again.

of course i know that in the end it will just be me and myself sewing patches over my holes but still it’s interesting to watch this struggle, these automatic walls that slide up and push people away – the ones who think they’ve figured me out. it’s instinct, to protect myself from being hurt. it’s crazy, i should just shut up now and wait for my sunny day, or go away and find the sun somewhere else.

yeah, that’s what i’m good at – running away.

been a long month, of cloudy days and not so rainy weeks, of growing roots in the land of the pouring heavens. twas a tiring battle against the gray and gloomy. it’s so easy to fall into melancholy. was almost on the verge of jumping off a cliff, or a plane to be exact but an angel pulled me back and saved me. my angel never really speaks to me but on rare occasions of actual conversation, has this amazing gift of choosing just the right words to crush my very soul.

my month is here finally, i can now escape every weekend to sunny corners. a notebook and a pencil is all i need and i’m ready for another adventure. everything i need can fit in one tiny backpack – passport and tickets and lots of luck. i’m off to travel new worlds again, back in my element where the road changes every day and nothing stays the same,

now if only my angel can fit in my pocket, then truly life is good and i have everything.

i’ve always wanted to fly, be an astronaut, leave earth on a spaceship, walk on the moon, follow an orbit, discover new constellations, make paper airplanes that never crashes.. don’t label me a dreamer, it could still happen you know. impossible is nothing. adidas. haha

oh well, last week’s paper airplane contest had this crazy effect on me. it made me want to believe that i can actually design something noone else has every conceived before, but of course nothing is ever new under the sun, so yes i failed the longest flight test.

i wish i belonged to that time before gravity was named, maybe then i could have discovered more and named a few theorems after me, or my dog, whatever, back to work it is.

Restless. This city leaves me yearning for more. I can’t stay too long, I feel like crawling out of this skin. This is not home, these strange people are like characters of a play that was written long before my time and now I am here, totally out of place, without meaning, without sense. I have too much time to think. Too much time to feel.

And the ghosts of my past are restless, wanting to come alive and wreak havoc. I need to gain control before it overtakes me. I can hear it sneaking up on me when my guard is down and I have too much time, too much time to not be me.

Tonight I walked to the skytrain while the weight of autumn gazed at my back and all these voices they keep screaming. I can’t make them stop. I need to be with people who stay grounded. I need these pointless conversations to make me stay sane. And yet I have to stay away. I can always blame the season, the gray that comes too soon. My head was heavy with unreasonable thoughts and I hopped on the train towards the wrong direction. Two stations passed before I woke up to realize that I should get off and go the other way.

I am restless. This city leaves ms restless. These people have no faces and they never mean what they say or say what they mean. They keep forgetting and I have to go away. I have to stay away. It’s for my own good. It’s for their own good.

Tomorrow I will stay away.