no, i haven’t tried playing this game yet but i saw a real live guitar hero at a friend’s place in downtown. he’s visiting from japan and he really knows his music well. we had barbecue and send off dinner for him while he played his original compositions.

i miss my guitar.

in an effort to replenish my endorphins, went to the gym yesterday to visit my ex best friend last winter – the elliptical machine. the office has a magnet that doesn’t fail to reel me in, so i went up to my cube to declutter my table. on the way to the warer station, i couldn’t help but notice other people’s desks. each one is unique and has something significant that tells about the personality of the one occupying it. some had toys, pictures, papers, some were dirty, too organized, accumulating dust – all of them characteristic of their inhabitant, mirrors of their soul.

when i went back to my seat, i tried to read myself, like a game of poker. but i couldn’t really tell much. on my corkboard, there’s a print out of release dates, and right below it the serenity prayer. on my shelves are snow globes from places i’ve visited since i came here last year. below my monitor are souvenirs from places that my friends explored. i have two 500 ml bottles of water, some documents neatly stacked, a mirror that shows me if the window behind me offers sunny skies or gloomy rain, empty boxes of “toys”, a miniature chess set, company critters, and that’s it – all of them are random things that’s supposed to keep me grounded and help me focus.

FOCUS!

since i moved to my new place 3 months ago, i never really found time to transfer my clothes from the luggage bag into the closet, i’m still living off my suitcase and my bed doesn’t really look like someone sleeps on it. usually i would be downstairs at the living room couch, hugging the giant throw pillow while debugging life as a window cleaner. didn’t even bother setting up shop in my room, after all i always fly off to somewhere anyway, and it’s more convenient to have my things in a backpack that i could easily tow along with me when i suddenly decide to skip town.

i’m thinking this is the reason why i’m suspended in sleepless state these days – maybe my room is not conducive for slumber. i’m trying to make it look like my room back home as best i can but it takes a lot of time and energy to do that. first i would need to recreate my constellation of artificial stars on the walls and ceiling. then i would need a bed wide enough so i could spin in circles plus at least seven pillows and complete silence and darkness (aside from my stars), and my mom tucking me in and hugging me to sleep – that last part is something i can’t really buy from any store.

i’ve tried counting sheep and chicken and cows, i already have a whole animal farm in my head, but it’s still not working. maybe i should go back to the gym, the elliptical always makes me sleepy, i’ll try that next week.

hey, that’s not even grammatically correct, but it doesn’t matter, this isn’t a test, so we’re good. today i woke up and said i’m going to rearrange my perspective a bit, move some clutter out of the way and pack the pile neatly into boxes – refocus on things that i can do something about, and forget about the others that are too stubborn to budge.

on top priority is to take this language proficiency exam to prove that i can somehow express myself in this syntax. so retarded, that’s what my teammate told me, and it is, why do i have to spend a whole day and a quarter of a grand just for this lousy certificate? oh well, i don’t really make the rules here, i just comply.

next on my list is dissecting the anatomy of a third wheel. this one is tricky. no api, no formula, no equations, i guess i will just have to figure this out on my own.. why am i so socially inept?

last but not the least is to make some semblance of a plan in my life.. wow, i guess i really am a grown up now. that sucks! i still have a mental age of 7, i wanna stay in neverland. =(

October 22-26 is the First Brazilian Film Festival in Vancouver, it was organized by Inffinito at the Vancouver International Film Center in Seymour. This is one of those limited seats only cinema where you have to get a membership and line up outside in the cold just to get a ticket for the show. Several notable people in Brazil’s film industry were present on the last night of the event – we were sitting right in front of them at the theater (so that’s why people kept coming up to us to take videos and photos haha).

Walter Carvalho (the guy sitting behind us) got recognition for outstanding contribution in cinematography. They featured one of his films – Love for Sale: Suely in the Sky. The plot itself was plain and reminiscent of those depressing Filipino movies where the young girl makes some really stupid choices because of “love” – in the end she sells her body through a raffle – her ticket to get out of her small town and feed her baby. The dialogue and screenplay leaves much to be desired but the colors and film editing is definitely impressive.

All in all the movie was so so, the film fest experience was good, and the company I was with was great. Although it was a struggle to sit still for 4 hours of awarding ceremonies, feature presentation and a depressing film, what else would I have done instead on a Sunday night? Fright night at PNE? Hmmm nah, I guess this was the best I could do for my birthday eve.

People get hooked to a lot of things – drugs, alcohol, religion, work, games, sports. gadgets, food, people, feelings.. Often the main reason why we get addicted to something is because of the sensation it gives us – it makes us feel good about ourselves or the environment around us. It temporarily allows an escape from more pressing problems that need attention. Sometimes it’s all about boredom, idle hands are the devil’s workshop. We get sucked into the black hole because there is nothing constructive or creative that keeps us preoccupied.

The reason why some are more susceptible to addiction than others could be explained in many ways, depending on one’s belief system. Scientists would say that it could be a neuro-chemical condition or genetic predisposition. Moralists would argue that this is all because of human weakness and defects of character. Treatment varies depending on what you want to accept as the cause. It could be psychotherapy, medicine, rehabilitation, support group, religion – the list is too long to enumerate in this page.

In my own bubble, I believe that psychological and physical dependency on anything else other than active chemical substances that alter the brain processes is a personal choice, a phase you can easily get in and out of – a switch you can turn off anytime when you have mustered enough courage to do so. I don’t even think addiction is any different from habit.

You wake up and do the exact routine day after day but that does not necessarily mean you are hopelessly hooked to it and can’t break away and would be somehow impaired if you deviate from the path once in a while. The fact that people have this innate need to organize things and create some semblance of structure in their lives amidst the chaos of everyday living is not a bad thing. However, all things extreme is not good, everything should be in moderation.

And so after this long winding unsolicited selfish insight about addiction, I am slowly coming to terms with my own. It’s been a while since I actually slept for more than 3 hours. It used to be because of work, or some gadget I just needed to figure out and then too much thinking about things I have no control over. It’s not even anything specific, I just think too much.

I feel that I need to acquire new learning and have more challenges. I am bored out of my wits and technology is not that interesting to me anymore. Travel poses a distraction but I don’t really see any new landscape these days. New people are always engaging – picking their brains and dissecting how their hearts work is surely a time consuming activity . But in the end of it all I have nothing to really fill my restless hours – this is how it is when I’m not engrossed in anything. I have too much time, too much time to think and do crazy things.

I need a new hobby.